Last post about it for now, I promise.
I don’t really know what to do now. The hospital visit probably isn’t going to change anything, except for that my wife missed another day of work and is probably going to quit. And maybe they should quit! Going to work has been making them miserable. (And that is really hard to swallow for me, but it’s clearly harming them more than the usual, so, ????) I want to be supportive, but we’ve tried having them not work. It has also been bad! I’m starting to think there are no good options, and I don’t know what to do with that. Working at least meant they had fewer opportunities to harm themselves. There have been days when they don’t have a job where I make them come to my work and sit in the car all day because I’m too afraid to let them be alone. But both jobs they’ve tried post-college have spiraled into ER visits. Voluntary, but still. But before they had this job, they made an attempt on taking pills, they just changed their mind in time so no damage was done. It seems like nothing works, and there’s stuff beyond circumstance but. They take their meds they do therapy. I convinced them to try a hotline the other day. I don’t know what else to do.
And I really can’t do anything, and that’s hard on me. I mean, I can do a lot, but it’s all momentary happiness. Holding them or bringing them flowers or making them a stupid farce of a wedding cake makes them smile but then it’s gone, they can’t hold onto it. The big stuff is so out of my hands, except for all the ways I can mess it up.
I know there’s no answer. It’s just hard.
SittingOverHereDreaming 