The life The blog The Sam
It’s chilly this morning so my mind decided to make a leap from “I don’t want to change out of my fuzzy sweatshirt and fuzzy pajama pants” to “I want to be a few years older working from home for a decent paycheck and also married”
I don’t even actually want to work from home unless I can write full time I think my brain’s just doing its best to come up with warm fuzzy things that make going my internship less appealing.
me: *goes to throw something away*
me: *sees roommate has put a paper bag in as a trash bag*
me: *sees there is already food trash in the bottom. wet food trash*
me: god why. why this.
That moment when you want to casually message a friend
But you don’t want to obligate them to talk or anything because what if they’re busy you could annoy them so you overthink it to the point where you spend days debating what platform to message them on and never even get to worrying about your actual message
So in the aftermath of coming out, I’m having some weird feelings. Like, I really really grateful for the support I’ve gotten, and it’s a huge relief, but it feels weird to me that almost no one is talking to me about it? Like, I thought maybe some of my more casual friends or friends I haven’t talked to much since high school would be surprised and message me like “What??” but no? And I’m just like “Did you know??? Did you see this coming??? How do you feel about it??? How many of you are revising your opinion of me and hiding it???” And that’s probably not something I should be feeling, because *have* only gotten messages of support, and that’s way more than a lot of people can hope for, and I’m incredibly lucky.
But I mean can’t one person express their surprise??? And I know there has to be people surprised because some of the people who I’m close enough to have come out to personally were surprised.
(And then there’s the weird feeling of “now everyone knows I like girls (and probably assumes I’m gay, and I’m not sure if they’re right or wrong right now), but I’ve never dated a girl, or kissed a girl, and I feel a little like a fraud,” but I at least expected that.)
Officially out on facebook.
Now it’s time for the anticlimatic waiting for people to see it while I’m a puddle of nerves.
I feel weirdly happy/sexy whenever I put on a cami and can see my tattoo through it in the mirror.
So I’ve been talking this over with a friend and I think since Saturday’s national coming out day I’m going to come out on facebook. Just get it all over with since a huge amount of family members are on there (not to mention friends/acquaintances).
I mean there’s potential for awkward since my dad doesn’t have facebook and I’ve also never really told him I like girls so he might hear it through the grapevine, but I also am kind of in a place of not caring (but also not wanting to have that conversation. I mentioned it once, but he took it as a joke, and we don’t talk about that sort of thing usually and I just don’t want his comments).
For the most part the people who really matter to me know, and I’m just impatient to not keep it a secret anymore.
Studying for midterms more like reading the same line over and over while thinking about how much you’d rather be cuddling someone while reading literally anything else
Usually going to the gym makes me feel really good.
But sometimes it just puts me in the mind set of acting on the impulse to change my body and I fall in the hole of wanting to be smaller instead of just stronger and I hate this hole every time I think I’m done with this sort of thing it creeps up out of nowhere.
I should have realized this was a bad day to go. But then the guilt of not going would make any day a potential bad day for it.
solarmiracle replied to your post “[[MOR] I hate going to work right now. I was under the impression…”
Eek that environment does sound stressful! How long are you there for? Are you allowed to listen to your ipod (or whatever) while your there, for your own background noise at least?
Just until December, which feels like a long ways off, but it’s only two days a week. And I might ask if listening to music is alright. Today didn’t feel quite so bad though, so I seem to be getting used to it.
SittingOverHereDreaming 