personal – Page 50 – SittingOverHereDreaming

TMI WARNING, PROBABLY

I have to keep myself from just backflipping into the sun during these conversations with my mom, because she has such bad self esteem about her chest size and that’s the one thing that I actually inherited from her, so she is convinced that I don’t need to bind or anything for a flat chest. Like she straight up asked if I’d gotten bigger since she last saw me, since obviously I could not possibly have anything to bind why would I need to do this??

And I get it’s not her fault and obviously we are going to have different feelings but I am tired!! She’s finally let go of the hair thing (or at least I don’t hear about how if *she* had my hair every time we talk) and now boobs are the new subject. I like having a flat chest! My boobs are small but they are there. It’s a thing. Ugh.

I promised some of you I’d explain/keep you updated on my situation, and I’m low energy so forgive me for just making one post about it. And for the rest of you, I’ll try to get back to more normal posting soon.

let’s do bullet points today I’m feeling bullet points
as a warning I’m on v little sleep (like, two hours. it was a long day yesterday and today might be worse)
THIS IS ALSO V LONG
I got my binder yesterday, and I had a far bigger reaction to it than I expected
Obviously I was excited, I was ready for it, but when I ordered it I was like, lol good thing I’m not dysphoric enough to need it RIGHT AWAY or want to wear it more than is healthy
BUT GUESS WHAT.
Yesterday I could not make myself leave my apartment until I got it and put it on, and then I wore it too long for my first time. I really, really loved it. To an extent that scares me.
It was also clarifying, because I think I am going with genderqueer, at least for now, but just with a more masculine presentation (there is stuff idk if it would be tmi to get into, so I’m erring on the side of caution)
BUT SERIOUSLY I HATE HOW MUCH I FEEL ABOUT BINDING, AND HOW MUCH I HATED TAKING IT OFF
I have to make myself not wear it to work today, because eight hours is NOT GOING TO BE OKAY YET but I want to so badly. I want to wear it all the time, I want to look like a beautiful scrawny boy all the time. (except at night, phasing back to a more womanish appearance at night still appeals to me)
i don’t like feeling this way
This is also fucking me up because it’s broken my hard, time-forged I LOVE MYSELF I AM GREAT self esteem. Because ahahahahaha, now there’s something about myself and my appearance that I’ve admitted to wanting to change, I’ve lost my footing and I can’t keep pushing myself to come out ahead of anything I might not like about myself. Like I have always had moments where I cognitively know I’m not who I want to be, that my voice is fucking annoying and the way I speak sounds really dumb and my face looks horrible from a lot of angles and I am just generally not attractive or a cool person or a *good* person but I’ve been able to shove that away with NO I’M AWESOME and strong arm myself into believing (I have also done this with other people, like “your hair looks a little goofy–” “NO MY HAIR LOOKS GREAT.”).
And I’m kind of hating myself right now
I also keep panicking about my relationships with everyone because of that hatred, everything suddenly feels so big that surely either 1) people have not noticed but they are going to at any moment or 2) people have known these things forever and I’m just slowly getting on their nerves until they will inevitably get fed up and leave
(or they will finally put their foot down for the shitty things I’ve done)
and being masculine in and of itself feels like a shitty thing, I do not have a healthy grasp on that at all
I should probably be in therapy for some of the reasons behind that, but given that for now I’m under my dad’s health insurance that’s not happening
“hey dad, is therapy covered under our insurance? I’m going through some gender stuff that I haven’t bothered to explain to you yet and it’s dredging up stuff that is fucking up everything, and will probably ruin any relationship I ever have”
ahahaha that last part is probably moot, no one in the genders I’m attracted to wanted me as a woman no one’s going to want me as a weirdass semi masculine blob.
there is one person i know who could probably gel with weirdass masculine blob but I don’t want to pursue that because it is NOT FAIR to them because they’re part of what set me on figuring myself out and it would be the worst to ever have to admit that I think that because they’re non binary and pan they’re the only sort of person who could ever like me, even if they are really great and I genuinely like them a lot
and ahahaha even without that I’d probably be the worst in a relationship
i don’t want to go to work i want to curl up and sleep until I stop hurting
but that wouldn’t work because everything hurts and has for weeks and will probably continue to hurt for a long time
my roommate is literally saving my life all the time, i don’t know if she knows it but if she wasn’t here i’d be so much worse off.
i should do things this weekend but maybe i will just curl up maybe i need a few days