Tag: personal

A list of things stressing me out/upsetting me, just to get it out

• the process of getting hired permanently from temping at my job is a crap shoot, they gave themselves a Monday deadline AND TOLD THE TEMP AGENCY THAT’S WHEN I’LL BE STARTING but they didn’t start anything until this week
• they made me re-fill out the application I did like a month ago because I’d put my email as my personal email instead of my work email. why this took a month to figure out I don’t know
• I apparently have to interview for the job I already do
• it’s a good thing because then I get the chance to negotiate pay and such, but also negotiating pay terrifies me because I should get at least 17 and anything less than 15 would be insulting (as that would mean less than a dollar raise from my temp pay) BUT I’ve never known a company to not pay as little as they think they can get away with, so I worry if I say I’ll walk on anything under 15, they’ll tell me to walk
• two other temps just got let go, and I don’t have an issue with them being let go because they both were not good at this job, BUT the way it happened was after their shifts Friday they got a call from the temp agency saying that they were not to come back Monday and they’d be mailed their stuff from their desk (I know because the one I was friendlier with got the call while still in the parking lot and came in for her stuff because wtf)
• so i have no confidence that if the deadline isn’t met I won’t be dropped with nothing
• and also it’s just upsetting?? the one didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone. We’ll just never see her again now
• meanwhile the practice my wife has gotten therapy and prescriptions from not only operates strictly during my wife’s work hours, they were also super rude to them about it
• so we have to find them someone new before their meds run out in a month
• going off meds is bad ANYWAY but there’s one that affects their blood pressure a lot that they have to be weaned off of if they go off, and we don’t have the right dosages to do so
• we’re also in the middle of an insurance mess because mine is ending and I don’t know when my new one will kick in (my bets are not high that the probation period for benefits will be waived) and my wife still has 2 and a half months before they get some through their job
• my family is also full of health problems, my grandpa just had an opperation for skin cancer, my grandma had a series of heart surgeries, my aunt is in and out of the hospital for a possible cancer relapse, my sister has glaucoma (at age 30/31!!) and my mom had a heart attack in April and an unexplained infection a couple weeks ago and just happened to mention her cardiac rehab and how little she can do and I had no! idea! how bad things were! she has trouble walking ten minutes!
• and it’s complicated because I don’t have a great relationship with my family, so a lot of it is just like, logistical worries and worries about ME
• but like. now both my parents have had heart attacks and that is worrysome! it’s a hard thing to grapple with and it’s hard to know what’s reasonable to do for my health in light of that
• and it’s harder still to know what will work for where I’m at in life right now! like, I don’t have unlimited time/energy/money for food prep 
• to top it all I’ve half made and half fallen into the situation where I always have to be the Strong One and the Smart One and the One With a Plan, partly because I put myself there and partly because it seems a lot like in most parts of my life I’m the only one who doesn’t give up
• I feel like I can’t rest and process because I have to just push forward, I have to be optimistic and I have to keep moving because if I don’t know one else is gonna think it’ll be okay and DO anything to make it okay