She’s in
The same
Country as me
😀 😀
Tag: personal
GUYS the girl is flying back today! I’ll probs message her tomorrow but I’m so NERVOUS. What if she’s forgotten about me? Or what if now that the trip is over, THINGS START HAPPENING?? What if they don’t??Â
Also whenever I first see her is gonna be almost overwhelming because my brain kind of… puts people I don’t see for a while into the abstract. Her being here and real is going to hit me stronger than usual because all the ways she’s wonderful seem almost unreal anyway.
And holy shit my childhood-through-high school best friend got engaged
THIS ISNT ANY LESS WEIRD NOW THAT ITS NOT 1AM
I’m on break and just messaged her and like???
I laugh about the fragile masculinity of cis men as much as the next person, but I really don’t have a leg to stand on because yesterday I nearly cried when, at a booth giving out free shirts, I asked for a men’s small and was given a pink women’s medium
And holy shit my childhood-through-high school best friend got engaged
man every time I spend time with this friend I feel so much more on the non binary side because they just GET so much and they’re basically the only irl friend who does, and my gender just feels more similar to theirs than any woman I know.
and like it’s still more relevant to me to identify as a woman but like damn does it feel like the difference is semantics than anything else
(it doesn’t help that since I don’t see them often they missed my switch back to using she pronouns and like, now it’s a weird thing where I don’t think they know how I identify but they know my identity better than most people who do)
I FEEL I SHOULD SHOW Y’ALL HOW GAY THIS MAKES ME LOOK
-got free bag and so used my money to buy a snap back
-look super gay
-got invited to Shakespeare in the park
-gotta decide if my snap back is appropriate to wear
I kind of don’t want to go to Pride today because I am tired and also still mildly distressed about my own gayness, but I HAVE TO so I’m making it my goal to find a cute gay tote bag
I ran into the NYC Dyke March on my way home from work and walked along it for a while and it made me so happy at first but then my feelings got less good because it got me feeling really gay but not just like in a loving women, women are so great kind of way but like in a I want to have sex with women kind of way and that terrifies me? and the idea of actually acting on it terrifies me? Especially since I’m getting to the point where I know that like, if I could get past all the ways I’m fucked up about this, I would totally enjoy hook ups sans relationships.Â
And like I know there’s nothing wrong with that and I don’t have a problem with people who do that it just feels so gross and frightening when it’s me, you know?
Part of me wants to tackle the fear head on and go to a bar and kiss a girl (playing into this whole thing is the knowledge that I would be able to (especially this weekend), my lack of experience is pure choice at this point) which would PROBABLY be a stupid way to handle it and yet the only reason really holding me back is that the girl gets back this week and I feel like hooking up with someone at this particular point might impact things with her. And even with that I still have that stubborn energy pushing me to go do it.
SittingOverHereDreaming 