Thoughts/feelings/tidbits from my trip to Michigan

• I WAS SO MANY PEOPLE’S FIRST BUTCH
• The tattoo artist didn’t know what butch meant! He was like “yeah a name is p easy” bro… it’s not a name (I really liked him despite his lack of lesbian knowledge)
• there was a guy who came in right after to get his first tattoo and he was nervous and asking about mine, if it hurt and stuff, and he just had no idea what it meant when he asked to see it
• I also had a waitress be super fascinated and ask about my hair, I got so happy because she’d clearly never seen an undercut before and loved it
• My niece (nearly five years old) is super cute and loves my fiancee. We are her favorite people now and i feel bad we were only there for two days
• BUT ALSO I COULD NOT HAVE STAYED LONGER
• I am DEEPLY uncomfortable there, and around my family
• My dad and sister were good! But I feel weird!
• There’s a dissonance, I think, because they still see me as like, who I was in high school
• I am very different. Not just being gay and butch and stuff, but especially that
• My dad did keep kind of feminizing me, which was disappointing
• I mentioned the guy at work who looks like me and he was like “I can’t imagine a man ever looking like you”
• I did not mention how much I get gendered male by strangers BUT REALLY LOOK AT ME DAD
• I do not think even my butch tattoo has made him really process it
• the visit with my mom was SUPER awkward
• it was my first time seeing her since like, admitting and coming to terms with the fact that a lot of things weren’t/aren’t okay and my relationship with her isn’t good
• she didn’t do anything bad besides another rant about my hair and her hair
• but I am super relieved that my fiancee doesn’t like her
• I was very afraid she would and it would be like, why don’t I like her she’s fine she’s great
• but it wasn’t!!! and intellectually I know that even if my mom had seemed great my fiancee would have taken my word and my side, but still
• but anyways being there in general put me so on edge because I don’t fit there at all
• also like, the longer I spend away from my family the better my mental health, they’re not really bad people but they’re bad for me
• like wowee being in my childhood home was actually kind of almost triggering because because christ I’m in such a better place and I don’t want to slip back to how I was
• my fiancee commented on how much more relaxed i got even just when we got in the airport
• ALSO I’M JUST SUCH A CITY GIRL HOLY FUCK HOW DID I EVER LIVE IN SUCH A TINY TOWN
• lol my fiancee hadn’t expected it to be so rural. I’m from the middle of nowhere.
• my car is sadly missing some breaks right now so I didn’t get to drive her
• though driving wasn’t as fun as it used to be, though that might just be that i can’t relax around there anymore.
• I kind of want to never go back
• but hey it’s done my fiancee met my family