just hey! it’s somewhere besides inside me! now I’ll just keep on

A list of things stressing me out/upsetting me, just to get it out

the process of getting hired permanently from temping at my job is a crap shoot, they gave themselves a Monday deadline AND TOLD THE TEMP AGENCY THAT’S WHEN I’LL BE STARTING but they didn’t start anything until this week
they made me re-fill out the application I did like a month ago because I’d put my email as my personal email instead of my work email. why this took a month to figure out I don’t know
I apparently have to interview for the job I already do
it’s a good thing because then I get the chance to negotiate pay and such, but also negotiating pay terrifies me because I should get at least 17 and anything less than 15 would be insulting (as that would mean less than a dollar raise from my temp pay) BUT I’ve never known a company to not pay as little as they think they can get away with, so I worry if I say I’ll walk on anything under 15, they’ll tell me to walk
two other temps just got let go, and I don’t have an issue with them being let go because they both were not good at this job, BUT the way it happened was after their shifts Friday they got a call from the temp agency saying that they were not to come back Monday and they’d be mailed their stuff from their desk (I know because the one I was friendlier with got the call while still in the parking lot and came in for her stuff because wtf)
so i have no confidence that if the deadline isn’t met I won’t be dropped with nothing
and also it’s just upsetting?? the one didn’t even get to say goodbye to anyone. We’ll just never see her again now
meanwhile the practice my wife has gotten therapy and prescriptions from not only operates strictly during my wife’s work hours, they were also super rude to them about it
so we have to find them someone new before their meds run out in a month
going off meds is bad ANYWAY but there’s one that affects their blood pressure a lot that they have to be weaned off of if they go off, and we don’t have the right dosages to do so
we’re also in the middle of an insurance mess because mine is ending and I don’t know when my new one will kick in (my bets are not high that the probation period for benefits will be waived) and my wife still has 2 and a half months before they get some through their job
my family is also full of health problems, my grandpa just had an opperation for skin cancer, my grandma had a series of heart surgeries, my aunt is in and out of the hospital for a possible cancer relapse, my sister has glaucoma (at age 30/31!!) and my mom had a heart attack in April and an unexplained infection a couple weeks ago and just happened to mention her cardiac rehab and how little she can do and I had no! idea! how bad things were! she has trouble walking ten minutes!
and it’s complicated because I don’t have a great relationship with my family, so a lot of it is just like, logistical worries and worries about ME
but like. now both my parents have had heart attacks and that is worrysome! it’s a hard thing to grapple with and it’s hard to know what’s reasonable to do for my health in light of that
and it’s harder still to know what will work for where I’m at in life right now! like, I don’t have unlimited time/energy/money for food prep
to top it all I’ve half made and half fallen into the situation where I always have to be the Strong One and the Smart One and the One With a Plan, partly because I put myself there and partly because it seems a lot like in most parts of my life I’m the only one who doesn’t give up
I feel like I can’t rest and process because I have to just push forward, I have to be optimistic and I have to keep moving because if I don’t know one else is gonna think it’ll be okay and DO anything to make it okay