Heyo, this is a super personal post and I’d appreciate if only my internet friends and total strangers read it, sorry real-lifers.
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I got permission to post about this, though I probably won’t say I’ve
actually done it for a while because that gives me room to be selfish and
honest.
I’ve mentioned/alluded to my wife being non-binary on here, it’s something
that they’ve come into during our relationship. And it’s great and I’m proud of
them, but it’s left me in a weird place in terms of being a lesbian, because I
know that being a lesbian who likes nb people is usually just “I secretly think
of nb people I like as basically being women” and I know that’s true for how I’ve
been in the past, and it’s important to me to not do that with my wife. But at
the same time, lesbianism is something I connect to deeply, it’s the easiest
shorthand to tell people who I am (not just that I’m interested in women, but
that plus my presentation tells people something about my relationship to
gender and just how I move in the world, if that makes sense). And it’s been
complicated, and it’s probably going to get more complicated because they’re
possibly/probably going on T, they have an appointment and their ideal if they
aren’t going to be read as purely androgynous is to be read as a feminine boy.
And it’s selfish but that scares the shit out of me, because I have no idea
where that puts me with my identity. I’m not really scared I won’t love them or
be attracted to them (I’m terrified it’ll change them and they won’t love me
anymore, but that’s par for the course and I know how to live with it and deal with it and we talk it
through a lot) but I don’t know how I’ll conceive of myself if other people
read me as being married to a man. A lot of me feels like it undermines my
butchness, which isn’t fair but it’s there. And like, I’ve built a lot of what
I am on being gay, I relate to a lot of people on the basis that I am gay, and
I just so firmly identify as gay I don’t really know what to do when I can’t
have that.
And like, maybe I get to be gay with them but not a lesbian, or still be a lesbian,
I don’t know. They go back and forth some on it. But I’m just unsure how to
think of it and deal with it.
I’m mostly posting this because the only person I’ve talked about it with is
my wife, and that’s important but it’s not helpful to my figuring out how to
deal with it, and it being a kind of secret and not a secret has made it hard
(I understand them not wanting people to know but it’s also hard to not talk
about, they’re getting to be more out but I’m still nervous to talk to irl
people, even though they said I could, because I wouldn’t trust that it wouldn’t
get around ahead of what they want). Just admitting my feelings to whoever
reads this helps some.
SittingOverHereDreaming 