Oh
I had a good time today, but I also really, really didn’t. She showed me all the pictures of her trip and I bought her dinner and we played with the dogs and it was all fun.
And I’d love to say the only downside is I don’t think she likes me the way I like her except I can’t tell how much of that came from her and how much of it was a change in feeling on my part because I do still like her but holy shit the cissexism. Not malicious or anything, but like, there’s so much learning and unlearning she’s gotta do and PLEASE can she get people’s pronouns right ONCE and not say opposite gender (I let that one slide because okay no one needs to be on it 24/7 but I can’t let pronouns slide when she should know better. the whole thing has left me uncomfortable and sad; even without my less than binary leanings that crop up, my womanhood is reliant on the validity of other options) (I thought when she didn’t question my womanhood after I let her know I bind was her understanding but now I feel like it was the opposite)
I’d love to just be sad over maybe feeling her mentioning her crush on a straight girl in her study abroad group meaning she doesn’t like me, or our vibe feeling suddenly strictly unromantic, and I AM really sad about that, but this is a worse rug to pull out from under my feet
(it shouldn’t feel like that because the pronoun thing isn’t NEW but I let myself believe it was a MISTAKE and I mean to some extent it IS but also I felt like the rest of the night anytime she mentioned gender things she was trying to throw me a bone and it’s weird and I’m sad and maybe she doesn’t like me that way and maybe that’s for the best except no it’s not for the best I still really like her)
(also I recognize a lot of how much this is upsetting me is timing, there have been a few things setting off my gender feels in the past week)
SittingOverHereDreaming 