This is sort of a follow up to last night’s post.
There are certain possibilities for gender I’ve been avoiding, because I don’t WANT them, but I’ve come to the realization I need to consider them because closing them off is uh, not helping. While I have wanted to be masculine for a long time, the idea of having a masculine gender makes me a little sick. And it makes me unsure of how to go forward on here, because for the most part, this community is a women & women aligned community, specifically wlw, and if it turns out that I’m not just not a woman but something towards the other side of the binary, I’d feel hella intrusive. I mean, I had a minor freak out the other day about staying the night with women friends, because what IF and I just felt super gross, and it was fine and I got reassured it was fine, but it’s also not fine at all.
And I just don’t know how to move forward, because now that I’ve opened this can, identifying as a woman feels wrong and hurts, but identifying as anything but the vague “queer” also hurts and makes me want to hurt myself (I’m not going to, don’t worry, but I need to admit that impulse somewhere). And I’m extra confused, because I don’t hate my body, I don’t want to change it, but I also can’t stand looking in the mirror while I’m clothed anymore and seeing the shape of my body, so I took a plunge today and ordered a binder, and on the one hand it can’t get here fast enough but on the other I want it to never get here because that’s such a thing.
And I’m not saying I do have a masculine gender, I have no idea, I’m confused, I just wanted this out here.
SittingOverHereDreaming 