gender issues cw – SittingOverHereDreaming

Okay, dearest followers, I think there are some things I need to say.

I have not been on tumblr much lately, because I have been going through things. I am scared and confused and my focus/energy for posting just isn’t there a lot of the time. But even when it is, I’ve been backing off. Tumblr has been such a good outlet for me, and I want to keep using it. So.

If there is any gender identity I could have that would make you unfollow me, please go ahead and unfollow me now.

Even if we’re friends or mutuals or whatever. I am trying to figure out what I am, and I have so much fear that I’d like to just eliminate any fear I have of losing people on here. It’s a small thing, but it’ll help. And it’s okay! Gender influences how we perceive people, so of COURSE you might feel differently about me if I’m genderqueer or agender or even a boy than you will if I kept identifying as a woman. But I don’t want to avoid accepting whatever label ends up feeling right because I know this friend will stop talking to me, or that cool person will stop following me.

So this might be goodbye for some of us, and that’s okay.

my mom, about reading fun home, which is about a butch lesbian: oh my gosh this just reminds me so much of you

my mom, like five minutes later: so do you like, want to be a man

me: no, I’ve been leaning towards butch, as in butch lesbian. I’m not a man.

my mom: so you don’t want surgery?

me: …no. I am. not a boy.

this is not the first time she’s asked, I’d understand asking once but she’s done it before. and like, SHE IS READING A TRUE STORY OF A BUTCH LESBIAN. IT’S RIGHT THERE. THERE IS A REASON IT REMINDS HER OF ME. I don’t want to really discuss my gender identity with her because I know she’ll take “not 100% girl” as boy, and the one thing I know for sure about my gender is I am not a boy.

and I’m not even fully butch, my mom saw me in a dress all of a month ago.