I’m not re-labeling myself yet because my tendency to throw myself into boxes and try and be done too quickly may be at work here, but I’ve been thinking a lot about like, what gender is and what it means to be a woman and if I have a choice in how I identify.
And if I do get a choice, my choice has always been the same.
And ignoring the born-this-way discourse, I think I have a choice.
I mean, I don’t about the dysphoria I have but I do in what I take it to mean. And like, binding aside (and binding not aside, really), there’s nothing about my presentation that I couldn’t do as a woman. Like, it was easier to justify stuff like buying men’s clothes to myself when I had Official Gender Reasons, but OBVIOUSLY I can wear men’s clothes and maybe not shave and do whatever I want with my hair if I’m a woman. I’ve always had a strong admiration for the women who do those things!
And I think the things I want to change in people’s perception of me aren’t really gender things. And probably trying to use gender to change them isn’t the right way. The fact that she/her hasn’t been bothering me when it comes from people I know respect me is probably a sign. There are some Complicated Instances, but really, what doesn’t have those?
I’ve had Gender Thoughts for a while, but it’s just as likely that they were presentation based as identification based. It may mean more to me to be a woman as I am now than to be something else. The line between gender non-conformance and being a different gender is something I need to find, I guess.
I think it’s likely I’ll settle into being a butch woman who happens to bind, but I’m staying open for now. I’ll see how I feel in a week, a month, whatever. I think being open and giving myself time to really consider who I am vs. what I’ve always been told I was may have been all I really needed in the first place.
SittingOverHereDreaming 