Short (665 word) piece about Pearl in light of A Single Pale Rose.
She’s the first person to tell you you could be something
more.
And the last to show you you never would be.
She gave you a sword and took you into a new world, bright
and free and sparkling with potential, she crossed your hands one over the
other and anchored you right where you started.
But she loved you.
She loved you.
She loved you.
She chose you.
She didn’t have to let a Pearl stand at her side. And she
could have had any Pearl.
But you were the Pearl
there, the voice in the quietest part of your heart whispers. And she may have needed—
No, she loved you. She gave you a choice, for most things.
You weren’t her Pearl, you belonged to no one. You belonged to her the way a
knight belongs to their lady, the way a soldier belongs to her country, the way
a lover—
She loved, you, didn’t she? She said you could be together,
when the dust cleared. A Pearl and a Diamond, who had ever heard of such a
thing! She lowered herself to be with you, she cast off her Diamond mantle and
broke down the system, every little bit she could, and—
And you look at her portrait, what you have left of her, and
you know in the quiet, tiny corner of your heart it was never for you. It wasn’t
for the good of any downtrodden gems. And you were only special because you
were a curiosity to her, and then you were special because of her secret and
her guilt. Her final order bound her to you.
But she loved you.
She loved you.
She loved the way you challenged her. She loved the way you
fought, with words and swords and hands, she loved the way you didn’t fight but
followed, she loved you enough to beg for your life on the battlefield, but
never to order you away.
She only gave orders
to save herself, your heart whispers, bitter and grateful all at once. You
needed the freedom and you needed the choice but at the same time surely—surely!—love would make it tempting.
Wouldn’t she want to save you, wouldn’t she—
But she knew, didn’t she? She knew that salvation by command
was no salvation at all.
Didn’t she?
Didn’t she?
You made the choice, didn’t you?
Sometimes, you think of other gems. Gems you fought, gems
you knew on Homeworld. My Diamond. My
love, my clarity. My Diamond. Love does not come on command, and yet…
And yet.
You fear you are no different. You followed your Diamond to
the ends of the Earth, nearly literally, and now… and now…
Sometimes, you feel grateful that she’s gone. Beneath the
grief, beneath everything inside you screaming for her to come back, there’s
relief. She chose to love someone else, she chose to love someone more. She
chose to give herself fully to something human. You don’t have to wonder
anymore. You don’t have to prove she loves you, you don’t have to prove
yourself worthy.
She loved you.
She loved you and it hurt you and it was never, ever enough.
You look away from her portrait, back towards where her son
sleeps upstairs. He’s something so different that her.
He loves you, and it hurts you in a different way.
He loves you, and sometimes it’s so quiet that you feel the
world stop for it.
This little boy loves you, not knowing he could own you, not
knowing you could serve him. He loves you, knowing the worst parts of you,
knowing the best parts of you.
And you love him. You’d fight the universe to keep him safe.
But it’s different, somehow. It doesn’t feel like fighting before.
You’re not his Pearl, and that feels real.
You love him, the way a mother loves her child.
You love him, and that’s enough.
You love him, and that makes everything else worth it.
SittingOverHereDreaming 