I ran into the NYC Dyke March on my way home from work and walked along it for a while and it made me so happy at first but then my feelings got less good because it got me feeling really gay but not just like in a loving women, women are so great kind of way but like in a I want to have sex with women kind of way and that terrifies me? and the idea of actually acting on it terrifies me? Especially since I’m getting to the point where I know that like, if I could get past all the ways I’m fucked up about this, I would totally enjoy hook ups sans relationships. 

And like I know there’s nothing wrong with that and I don’t have a problem with people who do that it just feels so gross and frightening when it’s me, you know?

Part of me wants to tackle the fear head on and go to a bar and kiss a girl (playing into this whole thing is the knowledge that I would be able to (especially this weekend), my lack of experience is pure choice at this point) which would PROBABLY be a stupid way to handle it and yet the only reason really holding me back is that the girl gets back this week and I feel like hooking up with someone at this particular point might impact things with her. And even with that I still have that stubborn energy pushing me to go do it.